Self Regulation Expectations | Purpose 2 Flourish

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Self-regulation is the ability to manage ones emotions, behaviors, and thoughts in ways that are socially acceptable and developmentally appropriate. For adults, this can look like taking a deep breath before responding in anger. For kids? It’s way more complicated.

It is important to be realistic with our expectations for children during their early years, especially in trauma-informed care. Unrealistic expectations can harm a child’s development. Meeting them where they are builds trust, security, and resilience.

What Is Self-Regulation, Really?

It’s not about perfect behavior. It’s about developing the ability to:

Recognize emotions
Pause before acting
Shift attention
Tolerate frustration
Return to calm

These skills are built slowly over years, not weeks or months

Brain Development and Regulation

The brain’s capacity for self-regulation starts forming early but matures late. The prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for impulse control and decision-making—is still under construction well into the mid-20s.

Formative years (0-7). Keep in mind that children are learning regulation. They are not expected to master it. Their nervous systems are sensitive, especially if there’s been trauma. They often borrow regulation from the adults around them. This is called co-regulation.

Trauma and Regulation

Children who’ve experienced trauma may have heightened stress responses. Their brains and bodies stay on alert, making it harder to stay calm, focused, or flexible. What looks like “bad behavior” is often a dysregulated nervous system in action.

Trauma doesn’t just delay self-regulation. It reshapes the way children experience safety and connection.

Age-Appropriate Expectations

Here’s what typical regulation might look like across early developmental stages:

Infants (0–12 months)

No self-regulation skills.
Rely caregivers to soothe.
Their crying, fussing, and sleeping patterns are cues in their communication. They are not being bad.

What helps: Responsive caregiving, consistent routines, physical closeness.

Toddlers (1–3 years)

Very limited impulse control.
Big emotions with few words.
Tantrums are normal and expected.

What helps: Naming feelings, offering choices, staying calm when they aren’t

Preschoolers (3–5 years)

Beginning to use language to express needs.
Can practice waiting or sharing for short periods.
Still struggle with big emotions.

What helps: Simple explanations, predictable routines, modeling calm responses.

Early Elementary (5–7 years)

Better at following rules and routines.
Still need adult help to manage frustration or disappointment.
Learning cause and effect, but emotions still lead.

What helps: Gentle guidance, praise for effort, teaching coping skills through play.

Common Mistakes

Adults that are well-meaning can have unrealistic expectations, especially if they were raised with harsh discipline. Here are some things to avoid:

Expecting calm reasoning from a toddler.
Assuming a child “knows better” just because they’ve done it right once.
Using shame to force compliance.
Labeling a dysregulated child as manipulative or defiant.

Co-Regulation: The Key Ingredient

Kids don’t learn to self-regulate by being told to “calm down.” They learn it by experiencing calm, steady, attuned adults who walk with them through their emotional storms.

Co-regulation means:

Staying emotionally available during meltdowns.
Modeling deep breathing or grounding techniques.
Holding limits gently, not harshly.
Repairing after ruptures.

This is especially vital for trauma-affected children, whose nervous systems need extra reassurance that they’re safe, even when their behavior is difficult.

Patience Over Perfection

Self-regulation is a skill, not a trait in character. It is built through relationships, shaped by environments, and can heavily be influenced by trauma. When children seem to be falling apart, they are showing us that they need our support.