Self-sabotage isn't just a bad habit or a lack of willpower. It’s often a survival response. The nervous system has learned to protect us from pain, rejection, or disappointment. And if you’ve experienced trauma, especially in early life, those protections can run deep within.

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As a trauma-informed coach, I see self-sabotage not as a broken vessel that needs repair, but one that needs understanding. When we bring compassion and curiosity to these patterns, we begin to shift them. Here's how.

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What Is Self-Sabotage, Really?

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Self-sabotage occurs when we consciously desire something, such as success, love, health, or stability, but instead of working toward it, we subconsciously act against it. You miss deadlines on purpose. You ghost people who care. You give up right before the finish line. You overspend just when you're starting to get ahead.

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It looks irrational from the outside. But inside, there's a reason. Often, that reason is fear; fear of failure, fear of success, or fear of being hurt again.

Self-sabotage is not a laziness or discipline problem. It’s all about protection.

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Trauma and the Roots of Self-Sabotage

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Trauma wires the brain and body for survival, not success. When you've experienced emotional neglect, abuse, abandonment, or other forms of trauma, your nervous system learns to expect danger, even when it's not there.

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Here’s how it can play into self-sabotage:

• Hypervigilance: You’re constantly scanning for threats. That promotion? Feels risky. That healthy relationship? Too vulnerable. Your system pulls the emergency brake.

• Shame Conditioning: If you grew up believing you're not good enough, you may sabotage opportunities that contradict that belief. Success doesn’t feel safe. It feels like a setup.

• Learned Helplessness: If your past taught you that your efforts don’t matter, you might not even try. You shrink back, quit early, or sabotage progress to stay in familiar territory.

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The bottom line? What looks like “sabotage” is often a nervous system trying to keep you safe, even if it no longer serves you.

 

​Common Signs of Self-Sabotage

• Procrastinating on things that matter to you

• Setting goals and immediately undermining them

• Attracting chaos right before a breakthrough

• Saying yes when you mean no (or vice versa)

• Picking fights in peaceful moments

• Avoiding responsibility or visibility

• Believing you’re undeserving of happiness or success

If any of this hits home, you’re not alone.

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How to Break the Cycle (Without Shaming Yourself)

We do not want to force change through guilt or pressure. Safety must be first. Then, change follows.

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Here’s where you can start:

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1. Name the Pattern Without Blame

Notice when you're self-sabotaging. Catch it early if you can. Say to yourself: “My brain is trying to protect me.” This shifts the tone from judgment to curiosity.

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2. Find the Fear Beneath the Pattern

Ask: “What would happen if I succeeded?” “What feels unsafe about getting what I want?” Be honest. The answer might surprise you and give you a roadmap on how to better move forward.

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3. Regulate Your Nervous System

Self-sabotage often strikes when your system is dysregulated, overwhelmed, anxious, or shut down. Breathwork, grounding exercises, movement, and somatic practices can help bring you back to center.

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4. Practice Internal Safety

Remind yourself, "you’re safe now". Say it out loud. Visualize your adult self holding space for the part of you that’s scared. This builds the capacity to move forward without retreating into old patterns.

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5. Make Tiny Promises and Keep Them

Big leaps feel risky to a traumatized nervous system. So start small. Set micro-goals and follow through. Each time you do, you rewire your brain for trust, competence, and safety.

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You Don’t Need to Fight Yourself to Heal

You don’t need to “overcome” self-sabotage like it’s an enemy. You need to listen to it like it’s a messenger. It’s trying to tell you something about what still hurts, what still feels unsafe, and where you still need care. This is not about pushing harder. It’s about making your system feel safe enough to stop pushing back.

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If you're ready to start untangling the roots of self-sabotage in your own life, consider working with a trauma-informed coach or therapist. Feeling better doesn’t happen in isolation. It happens in connection.